And you thought you’d thought of all the reasons. Well…you hadn’t.
Everybody knows puppies are just wow. They make great companions, do wonders for your mental health, and test your conflict resolution skills when interacting with your Lubavitcher Jewish neighbor.
But if you’re still pooch-ambiguous because of the poop scooping, time training them, or the inevitable breakdowns you’ll have when they wizz on your schmick kicks, then consider these seven very factual reasons to buy a puppy, complete with tips on taking the next step to puppy bliss.
- Puppy smell.
Yes, puppy smell. One of the most obvious reasons to invest in a puppy is they smell absolutely amazing.
Every puppy has its own distinctive brand of stank. The degree to which one’s smell differs from another’s is due to several factors. This includes diet, sweat levels, and how often they urinate on themselves. Somehow all smell fragrant.
In fact, puppies are so delightful-smelling Calvin Klein is rumoured to have captured their scent in a bottle. But Whiffe: Paw Femme never made it to the shelves of Chemist Warehouse because animal rights activists sued him faster than Lassie could inform Farmer Paul of Timmy’s arsony.
If puppy stank intrigues you, go to places where they congregate, like dog parks. Then, find a pup, pick it up, and take a gigantic whiff. If someone asks, tell them you’re deciding if you should get a puppy. If they’re a dog owner they’ll understand. If they’re not, put the dog down and run.
2. Puppy fat.
As far as non-edibles go, a plump lookin’ yapper is up there with puppy smell. There’s something instinctual about wanting to shove man’s best friend in your mouth and masticate.
That’s masticate, to be clear.
Of course you wouldn’t, because it’s a punishable offence. At least in Australia, where we pride ourselves on eating the animals featured on our National Coat of Arms.
The law rightly prohibits the consumption of pequeños wag-a-muffins, but you can still enjoy a plump puppy—by petting it. Be sure to give that fleshy little fellow a jolly good squeeze, too.
If you absolutely must nibble on a puppy, cover your teeth like you’re impersonating a geriatric eating a banana: softly, but with enthusiasm.
3. Squeaky Puppy Yawns.
Every time a puppy yawns it’s adorable. But when it’s accompanied by a protracted, barely audible squeak, it will rupture your heart valves.
Scientists believe puppies squeak when they yawn because they have excessive cutie-pie factor (ECP-f) in their bloodstream. ECP-f is a toxin causing severe nerve damage to a puppy if it’s not sufficiently discharged.
To combat this, exceptionally adorable puppies have evolved to release ECP-f through their cutie-pie valve (C-PV). When a puppy yawns, the C-PV is activated, releasing excess cutie-pie to produce that adorable squeak we all know and love.
If you’ve ever heard the expression “so cute I could die”, now you know where it comes from.
Don’t be a hero. Build up your cutie-pie tolerance levels nice and slow.
4. Puppies give you street cred with parents
Because I don’t have children, I’ve never had any real authority to speak to the trials and tribulations of parenthood. I mean I wanted to, but I just didn’t have the street cred to back it up.
But the moment I got a puppy, that changed. I now know exactly what it’s like for parents raising human children, because I have virtually all the same responsibilities they do.
Responsibilities, like cleaning stool off the ceiling, teaching them commands [like how to shake hands], and also shaming them mercilessly when they make mistakes in public.
Other parents can tell I know exactly what’s it’s like for them. Mostly because I tell them all the time. Well, not all the time; most of my parent friends are too busy to take my calls these days. Probably because they’re so busy with their raising their kids.
And you know what? I totally get it.
Contact your local community center and ask about their First Time Parents group. If they ask you where your baby is, which they will, look down lovingly at your puppy, and smile proudly.
5. Puppies don’t squeal.
Owning any pet is great because you can share your intimate secrets with them.
But unlike a cat, your puppy won’t press Record on a hidden device and send it to the authorities when you confess to that hit and run back in ’98.
Likewise with cockatiels, your puppy won’t interrupt dinner party guests when using your SodaStream, squawking “hard nipples, hard nipples, SodaStream gives him hard nipples”.
On the other hand, tell your puppy that you once fell madly in love with a Mexican street-sweeper’s broomstick, and they will take it to their shallow backyard grave.
Protect your privacy: request all non-puppy pets sign a nondisclosure statement.
6. Impress prospective partners with a witty name.
Coming up with the perfect moniker for your poochy-dore is a fun part of puppy life. Importantly, it can help build intrigue with prospective lovers and/or spouses at the local park.
Take the name Dylan.
A well-proportioned brunette who hears the name Dylan might assume you appreciate irony, as it is clearly a name intended for humans. Especially those with thick-rimmed glasses and chunky dandruff.
Of course, calling your dog an ironic name can backfire because it’s been done before, and by people far cooler than you. How many millennial do you know with a Maltese Shiatzue named Bear? The answer is too many.
If you’re worried about backlash from the community, it pays to have a few backstories in the pipeline. For instance, Dylan can be re-imagined as the namesake for actor Dylan McDermott, who played Bobby Donnell in the hit 90s TV series, The Practice.
Now, instead of hipsters ruthlessly berating you for calling your dog Dylan, you can enthusiastically retort that, actually, it wasn’t meant to be ironic. You just really enjoy intelligent, hard-hitting legal dramas that explore morally complex issues.
Tip: Always have a back-up back-story. Be sure to memorise it in case you’re put on the spot by the local dog park bully.
7. They love you for you.
So long as you take good care of your little hooch-hound, they will love you unconditionally for the rest of their very short life.
It doesn’t matter that you’re crying in to your third bowl of beef vindaloo on a lonely Tuesday night. Or journaling about your goals, then giving up and masturbating to your favourite scenes from BeetleJuice.
Your puppy won’t care that you’ve got chronic halitosis, or that no matter how many times you read The Alchemist, you still can’t find your personal legend.
Turn Beetlejuice off and wash your hands. Put the Dove hand cream away, and then write in your journal about why a puppy would whizz on your schmick new kicks. If the answer is not because they effing love you, try again.